The Plot Thickens

Plot’s diet wasn’t exactly going to plan. Waiting an extra ten minutes before pigging out on industrial sized catering packs of crisps (Chips – USA) wasn’t exactly making the pounds melt off as she clambered onto the scales.

The technique of not pouring a personal portion of nuts didn’t have much truck either, mostly because she kept stealing Mr Plot’s when he wasn’t looking. Mr Plot wasn’t stupid though, and Plot was sure she could hear him singing Who ate all the pies? in the background sometimes, even though her swore he didn’t.

Thoughts of the chocolate fudge cake that she made for the Autumn Fair lurked in the shadier corners of Plots mind too, but she remembered the look on the teacher’s face, and gave that thought a good hard shove.

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Too many chocolate cakes had caused Plot’s previous hourglass figure to somehow morph into something much more barrel shaped, it was time to do something about it.

Actually the time to do something was probably about 15 years ago; back when she could still afford a rather spiffing gym membership, and more the point, could still fit into leisurewear that didn’t need a degree in engineering just to put on.

Basically Plot needed a wormhole in space, to take her back in time, and this might prevent the blsnack hole that had developed in her kitchen. Ignoring how freaky it was, she imagined giving herself a stern talking too about portion sizes and how much Guinness is actually ‘good for you’.

She wombled off to Planet Simon to see if he had any ideas.

Locating a wormhole, wasn’t the issue, he said, little ones form all the time, but there was a bigger problem, as the moment that she entered a wormhole it would collapse under her mass, which was basically just rude.

Wormholes sounded a lot like willpower, Plot was unimpressed and bumbled on a bit further.

Thoughts of chocolate cake had been replaced by the vision of apple cider donuts round at Fatty McCupcakes, but when she finally got there the cupboard was bare! There was a postcard lying on the doormat, of a donkey with a Kiss-me-quick hat on, Katie had buggered off on holiday to Blackpool, leaving Plot more than a sprinkle short of a McCupcake. So much for comfort eating then.

‘S’Alright for some’ Plot huffed, and decided to drown her sorrows with a Gin & Lemonade with a twist. Lorna gave her a hard look “Go Big or Eat Celery” was the no nonsense reply to the time honoured question “does my Mass look big in this?” Plot harrumphed. She was already big, and no fan of celery. Come the revolution celery would be re-categorised as a weed, come to think of it there were a few other things that needed re-categorised starting with ‘cottage cheese’ which as everybody knows is just biodegradable cavity wall insulation.

Why anybody would want to eat that stuff was an anathema worthy of one of the medieval mystery plays April was talking about earlier in the week. Except there was no mention of Cottage Cheese in the Bible, and the Guild of Cheesemongers probably had better things to write about anyway. The 14th Century was full of stuff that Plot didn’t like the sound of eating, she hoped they were spared one more.

Niall turned up, just as Plot was ready to Give up the Ghost, Niall knew all about the finer points of the English language and was usually good for a bit of craic. Plot couldn’t help bringing up the irony of the words hyphenated and non-hyphenated, Niall looked like he might have heard that before, but Plot was on a roll ‘So why does Illiterate mean someone who can’t read or write, but alliterate be a tedious, tangle of type? Niall had a tangible look of torment, ‘you don’t half talk some tripe sometimes’ he said getting his coat. Plot didn’t notice, she was already off on another tangent.

What Plot needed was an Emma Edit, if she checked out Blogs in Bloom, she could perhaps find someone who could help her with the ever expanding waistline, or at the very least she could get some help to disguise it. Plot had heard of this thing called contouring and wondered if it would work on her midriff, maybe someone could paint a waist on her, maybe she could even get a six pack for the first time in her life. Plot was getting ahead of herself, and wondered what the funny noise was, when she looked down she saw Karalee, Kirsty and Amelia rolling on the floor laughing. “It was the last bit about you with a six pack” said Kirsty, gasping for air, ‘too funny”.

That was it, Plot flounced off to her allotment, and had a good old chat to her plants as she dug the soil over, it was hard work, and it wasn’t long before she had built up a sweat head of steam, it was almost like a workout. After a long sedentary winter, it was time to get her mass off the sofa and do a bit of work.

76 comments

  1. This was hilarious! I was indeed rolling around laughing – not at you, but the way you linked it all together. It’s like the stream of consciousness I have when I’m supposed to be paying attention, or stuck in a meeting when my brain wants to be elsewhere! Passing some virtual chocolate ccake 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for the mention and for introducing me to Niall. I’ve got a feeling we’re going to be friends.

    I had a long, hard look at the vegetable plot this morning and came back inside. It’s practically under water again and has immovable chickens on it. Goodness knows when I’ll be able to dig it over.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s a bit of a theme that I’m working on, Blog Splash Chat was the first. As I get to know more bloggers i’ll Do more and take them to a few unusual situations for a bit of fun 🤣

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’m thrilled you like it – there are 2 other posts in a similar vein; Blog, Splash Chat and Plot on the Landscape

      Like

  3. Cottage cheese is not real cheese. I think we could start a campaign…
    I have found Pilates to be my exercise, lying down and on my own with no need to leave the house 👌🏼

    Liked by 1 person

    • I bought a Pilates video once, put in on got into bed, watched it, thought ‘very interesting ‘ and never went near it again. 😝

      Like

    • Well as I get to know more bloggers (still a total newbie) I can start pushing out a bit further . Then hopefully now and again people’s interest may be piqued by new blogs.

      Like

  4. Lol, cracking idea for blog posts that big up other people’s at the same time. Very witty and selfless. Do the bloggers know in advance or do you just dip in at random and see what happens? Good to see you in BUYB too!

    Liked by 1 person

    • They have no idea, mostly because neither do I, I start with a nugget of a theme and then see what comes out. It really is as much of a surprise for me how it ends up.

      So far it’s been The bloggers I have had most reaction with – only started in Oct so ahem… short list lol! But chancing my arm, it’s folk I reckon have a decent sense of humour who won’t mind me playing with their online character (too much)

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      • Just as most writing starts for most of us! Little nuggets that want to grow and take on a life of their own. Kudos for this as an idea!

        My blogs just over two years old now, yet I find regular posting difficult time wise. I write so it’s balancing blogging with that. I tried both at the same time and lost so much sanity in the process lol. I’d say you’re off to a cracking start too. Every blogger I’ve met thus far has been extremely friendly and supportive too. Never expected that when I started!

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      • I’d have to concur- I didn’t know what to expect but the bloggers I have encountered have been so supportive and generous 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • And to me the amazing thing is…despite politicos we get to meet people from all over the world and they all want the same thing… be nice and get on. I still marvel at the country list people come from on my stats and it never ceases to amaze me!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I loved this – SO very creative. I love many of the bloggers you tagged in here, so it was nice to be able to connect with your post. Awesome, Sonia!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw cheers! There are a couple of others in the same sort of style starting with Blog Bash Splash , the idea came from a comment Susie made on Blog Bash Chat one Sunday night. It got me thinking.
      Fun to write, I’m enjoying it 🙃

      Liked by 1 person

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