Snot Funny!

Enough already! This cold; virus; chest infection; lurgy; whateverthefuckitis; can go do one! I am done with it. My patience is exhausted, the goodwill is gone, my supply of hankies has run out, and I want it gone. Goodbye and thanks for all the snot. Not.

Literally me… with better hair

So far we are 4 weeks into this hell and counting. I can’t talk without punctuating every bloody sentence with coughing, and the rest of the time I’m wheezing like I’ve smoked 60 Woodbines before breakfast everyday since I was 13.

I am in a total humbug and in the best of bad form. Immediate family aside (who I have obviously similarly dosed with this misery, sharing is caring) I have seen barely anyone over Christmas, only really daring to venture out of the house for absolute essentials*

As such, my previous racing snake figure has degraded into one more like a beached whale sculpted in lard, but less animate. Needless to say my introversion has hit peak levels and having not spoken to normal people much for about a month I’m furtively sneaking round the place avoiding eye contact and hoping no one talks to me. This is in their best interests too, I don’t think Nancy Mitford mentioned it specifically in Noblesse Oblige but I rather suspect she would take a dim view of coughing a lung up on someone. It’s just a hunch.

Also, in the unlikely formation of a porcine air core and I feel like hauling my ass into a state of exercise, this too has been foiled by footwear no less.

“How?” I hear you ask, and the reply is “Laces.” Basically I am restricted to slip on shoes, since anything that requires bending over to tie laces is utterly out of the question since it makes my head explode.

Ok my head hasn’t ‘actually’ exploded yet, but it feels like it’s going to at any minute, and since it’s only a matter of time lets not sweat the small stuff like accuracy, ok?

And I don’t feel like writing. Boo

Apologies to everyone reading this who is seriously ill and has to face worse than this every day. I promise that I will stop feeling sorry for myself some time soon… ish. Maybe. However for now I am wallowing in a mire of self pity, do feel free to try and shift me but be warned, I ate a lot of mince pies over Christmas, you may need a crane, and a fully operational sense of humour.

*Mince pies and loo roll