I had a surreal drive into work this morning.
The car went through the MOT last week so in addition to the annual service, it also got cleared of all the detritus that has built up over the last twelve months; sweet wrappers, parking receipts, sand off the dog’s paws, unmentionable, unidentified bits of suspicious grunge from the boys, 8 coats and a trolley full of work stuff.
Now, not only has it had the tyres aligned, and the air filter cleaned, but the oil has been changed, bulbs replaced and most importantly a new wing mirror fitted.
For the past three months I’ve been driving with a dodgy wing mirror after some pond life, filter feeder decided to break it off whilst the car was parked on the street.
Initially it was duck-tape to the rescue, but this is NI, it rains, and with more and more moisture it began to unravel. Obviously for maximum effect, it picked its moment for a catastrophic fail; on a duel carriageway with boys in tow, halfway to Granny and Granda’s house.
“Mummy!!!! (in Stereo) the car is falling apart! Do something!” the boys screech in the back seat. Calmly and serenely I gently pull over to have a look thinking…
“Oh fucking shite! The car is falling apart, wait till my Da see’s this! He’ll have a blue fit! Arrgh! How am I going to fix this? Bollox, bollox, bollox!”
Meanwhile what my mouth is saying is…
“It’s ok sweetheart, Mummy will fix it, there’s nothing to worry about. No don’t take your seatbelt off, just stay in the car.
No you too, just stay there – play your DS, Ok, yes I know you lost your DS, play your iPad… right FINE play my phone then, just stay in your seat till I fix this!”
Looking at the remains of the wing mirror that is now dangling by a wire, it reminds me of the boy’s baby teeth on their way out – totally wobbly but hanging on by a thread.
I can’t leave it like that, it’ll bounce off and dent the door. Am I too old to believe in the car fairy? Hmmm what to do?
This is where having a box of random work stuff comes in useful. I am a recycling officer and as luck would have it I had a number of bin stickers in the boot.
Perfect – designed to be stuck to a wheelie bin and withstand the worst NI weather, surely they will stick to the car in the rain. Can I make this work?
Can I ever! Taa-daa!
One wing mirror, now totally reattached to the car by “what do I put in my blue bin” stickers.
Words cannot adequately paint a picture of just how bloody awful this looked, but who cares? Ever the pragmatist – it worked, the mirror was back on. Job done.
Now all I have to do is play it real cool when the boys clipe on me to my Dad, and pretend like it’s all in hand. Nothing to see here!
I must be getting good at pretending that catastrophes are run of the mill occurrences (who am I kidding? Catastrophes ARE run of the mill occurrences these days!) as no one even blinks.
So this vision of mobile recycling advice has been my modus operandi for the past three months. But no longer!
Now I have a shiny new mirror, the inside of the car has been hoovered, the dashboard has been polished and the windows cleaned, including getting rid of the moss that was growing out of the windscreen. I even (get this) have a new air freshener.
It’s like I’m driving someone else’s car, I quite like it, but I may sneak a couple of stickers into the boot… you just never know when they will come in useful!